Gender Roles

Our society has a lot of widespread but mostly unspoken expectations regarding the roles each gender should fulfill. Recently I started dating someone, and this has sparked an interest to know how I feel about gender differences, and the role expectations we have for men and women.

Specifically, I've asked myself: "How can I honor both God's prescriptions and our cultural expectations of gender roles?"

After some study, I've concocted a list of expectations for men and women that can currently be found our society.  These aren't my thoughts, they are simply generally held expectations that exist in many pockets of mainstream US culture.  As Christians, we must ask ourselves: "Which of these expectations are consistent with Kingdom Culture, and which should be 'taken captive'?"  "Is this prescribed by God, and if not, should I expect it of my family?"  I don't fully know how to answer that, but I do have responses to a few of these, which I've also shared in bold.

 

1. Men should initiate, plan activities, and generally have more power in the relationship.
2. Women should facilitate conversation in romantic relationships.
3. Women should generally defer to men, but control sexual activity.
4. Men should excel in status and earning money.
5. Women should excel in raising the family and caring for the home.
6. Gender preferences for autonomy and connection:  Generally men prefer autonomy and side-by side activity, while women prefer connection and talking about the relationship face to face.
7. Women talk more than men (the stereotype says), and they should talk less.  *Some studies show that men talk more during co-ed conversations.  I will interject to provide the opportunity for women to speak.
8. Women have more responsibility for monitoring the relationship and starting conflict resolution.  Things don’t have to be broken for them to “talk about the relationship.” *I will be proactive to care for our relationship and seek tune-ups through conversation and periodic counseling.
   
   
   
9. Power dynamics: division of labor.  In dual worker families with children, women spend on average 17 more hours a week on homemaking than men.  *I will divide chores with my wife to serve, empower, and free her up to impact the world in ways that I cannot.
10. Women should assume the responsibility to remember, plan, and make sure things get done. (doctor apts, bills, etc)  Even if the men are responsible to do them.
11. Women are delicate and sensitive and require more care and protection when sustaining injury.  Men are told “You’re ok, just get up & move on.” “Never hit a girl”  *I will fight to protect my daughters and sisters not because they are weak, but because they are beautiful and lovely and valuable to me.  Simultaneously I will affirm their independent strength and toughness.
12. Men are given (more?) personal space at home: Dad’s TV chair, Dad’s den, Dad’s work shed.  Mom’s spot may be the kitchen or garden.  There are times where mom’s places can be life giving, creative, or relaxing, but often mom’s places are filled with working & serving other’s needs. (Is the whole house the mother’s? Or is she just responsible to upkeep it for others?) *I will prioritize a space for my wife to be creative and relax before creating one for myself.
13. Women should direct the decoration of the house. *Heck no, I want in on that! :)

Just observing these somewhat obvious stereotypes really expands my perspective on what aught to be in our families and society.


If you're interested, I recommend this video series from a high level Biola class on "Gender Communication."  On matters concerning family headship and church leadership, it provides a decent representation of both complementarian (men should lead) and egalitarian (either can lead) perspectives.  You can also download the mp3s to listen while you drive.

Reversing the "Toilsome" Curse

It's been a long time since my last post here, but I intend to bring this blog back to life.  I enjoy writing, but it sits sadly low on my priority list.  So I created a work game to help myself write more.

Some times when I'm in my office (maybe prepping a Discipleship Group or building my partnership team) I need to be creative in order to help motivate myself to do certain tasks.  So I've created a game.  After completing a task, I get to throw a wrinkled up post-it note towards these three cups:

If I make it into the cup, then I get to do what the cup says.  These are all things I enjoy doing.  This is a double bonus, because these are all things that help to advance the Kingdom of God by investing in friendships that sustain me as a person and my work with InterVarsity.

After maybe ten missed throws, this blog post is the result of the first basket!

The curse that resulted from the fall of man (OK I'm going to have a teaching moment, don't go to Youtube) resulted in work becoming "toilsome."  I think that work was always meant to be fun and life-giving, not dreary or resistive to our efforts.  God works, and He doesn't "Work for the weekend."  Part of our role as His children is to join his efforts to overcome the effects of the curse.  So here's my attempt to enjoy my work.  I reward myself with something that is also technically work!

Making Students Uncomfortable

Has anyone ever tried pulling a prank as a teaching method?  I tried it on students recently!  Here's the story.

The Setup -  It happened while we were helping students get ready for mission trips they will be taking this summer with InterVarsity.  Some background is helpful:  The IV chapters in Southern California are grouped into three Divisions, as shown below.

Us in the "Surf and Turf" division, which includes 10 schools and around 40 staff, will be taking teams of students with us on mission trips this summer to Bosnia, Mexico, and Fresno.  I myself am going to inner-city Fresno for 6 weeks with about 15 students and 4 other staff. (Hooray!  Learn more, like how to partner, here.)

This Summer's Fresno Team

The Setting - We had gathered all of these "pre"-missionaries for a weekend of prayer and training for their summers.  A fellow staff Noemi and I were tasked with teaching the trainees how to engage in healthy conflict resolution.  We decided to expand on the traditional teaching script.  "Why don't we just drag them into conflict, and then help them learn from the experience?"  This is where it gets interesting!

The Prank - Our plan had 3 phases.  First, and without any explanation of what we were doing, we told the group of about 30 to play a game.  The winner of the game would be the team that made the best decisions about how to survive a fictitious tragedy.  Since they were required to make unanimous decisions in very short time periods, conflict arose during the decision process.  Perfect.  We then debriefed the game and started to teach them about conflict resolution strategies.  They may have started to relax until the last and best phase:

"All right, let's come back together," my co-leader Noemi said, ending a session of peer sharing.
"Well, maybe they need a few more minutes," I suggested.  Noemi and I began to argue in front of the whole group about how to proceed with the training.  She acted very aggressive, attempting to address the problem.  I acted hurt, but I avoided talking about it with her.

Noemi: I’m trying to do what’s best for the group.

Sol: Your mind is already made up, let’s not talk about it any more.

Noemi: Are you upset with me?  I’m just trying to get the process going.

Sol: I’m not upset!  I have no problem!  I just think--(to audience:) would you guys like a few more minutes?
After arguing for a while, I stormed out of the room, and Noemi chased after me!  I think most of the trainees figured out we were joking.  But some of them shared that they were very uncomfortable during the simulation.  Again we debriefed the experience and used the example to train.

Jesus was not opposed to using uncomfortable scenarios to teach his disciples.  Think of the time he took his disciples to Samaria and they were stunned silent to find him talking with a woman there.  Or think of time the disciples were exhausted from such busy ministry they hadn't eaten in at least 1 day--and then Jesus challenged them to give a crowd of 5,000+ something to eat.  "Are you kidding me, Jesus?"

I think I'll try using the "prank" method again some time.  It seemed to work well, and it was fun.  :)

The Snail Wars

The garden is growing well now.  Here are a few progress shots.  

  

In the back of the picture you can see two giant tomato plants—one of which will produce “black tomatoes.” A row of green bean plants is on the right, and a couple of eggplants are in the middle.  In the front are four monstrous zucchini plants and two rows of “peaches and cream” sweet corn trying to get out from under the zucchini overgrowth. 

My friend Jason has come over a few times, helping me to build the trellis and ward off pests.  For a while the green bean leaves were getting devoured by snails, until I found about 15 snails hiding under nearby bushes, and I smashed them with rocks.  This was a horrifying scene to one watching roommate. 

“Noo! How could you kill something so slow?  Anything that slow is obviously harmless and cute!” 

“Their eating my leaves,” I said, and I crushed a small one. 

“No! That was a baby! Sol, go in the house.  Right now.” he said, pointing to the house.  We later dubbed the event the “Genocide of the Snails”.  I’ve painted a garlic-salt solution on the wooden border, and ever since then there has been no more snail problem.  My roommates do poke fun at me every once in a while for my garden.  We joked around one night about what might happen if we all went mad and started a no-holds-bar roommate fight-to-the-death.  Greg said that the first thing he would do is be outside wrecking up my garden.  “Even if someone gets me while I’m at it, I’ll know that at least I took out your garden.”

Watering the garden is a relaxing thing.  It adds an element of “slowness” to my fast-paced mind.  I can’t rush plants.  They grow at their own pace.  They live within their limitations as plants—not doing more than they ought, not going faster than they should.  They are humble.  I can learn from them.

Why I hate talking about ethnicity and culture - Part 2

"That can't be right.  Only radical liberals think like that.  How big was the survey sample?  That's not a big deal, you're over-reacting.  That doesn't apply to me, I had a different experience."  These resistive impulses pound in my head at times during conversations about racial inequality, ethnicity and culture.  "This is wrong. This is wrong.  Resist this.  This is not right."

Why does talking about racial inequality evoke such strong a strong resistance in me?  Why does it make me so uncomfortable?  Why is it so important that I expose and attack every bit of inconsistency in the new ideas being presented to me?  I don't fully know.  Welcome to journey of exploring the conversation with me.  I believe the answer to these questions is very interesting, and has a deep impact on how I show Jesus' love in my ethnically diverse city.

(If you have not read "Part 1" of this topic, you should do that first.  Part 1 talks about how  much I value and enjoy talking about issues regarding ethnicity and culture.)

The first clue in the puzzle is to acknowledge that people are different.  My sister Lauren is an extrovert, and as such, in order to rest and regain energy, she jumps into the biggest group of people she can find.  I am an introvert.  I sometimes need to say to people, "No, I am not available to hang out with you Sunday: I will be resting at home alone."  Not only are individuals different, but whole groups of people are different from each other.  I grew up in a culture that attempted to alleviate racial tensions by promoting the idea of "color-blindness."  "I don't see you as ___, I only see you as 'My friend Vanessa'."  But before I can discover why I hate this topic while others feel a deep need for it, I first have to recognize that others have a different mindset from me.

Different groups have different ways of thinking and doing, different traditions, and different values.  They have different "cultures".  One group may celebrate reservedness and orderliness in social contexts, while another group celebrates expressiveness and spontaneity.  This is not to say that all members of one group will fit into the mold of the group's characteristics.  That would be to stereotype.  To stereotype is to assume that a given member of a group will have all the characteristics that are assumed to be present in the whole group.  To be cultural sensitive is to be aware that a member of a different group may have differences that come from the influence of their group--or they may not.
I must say a bit more about this.  Many Korean Americans that I have met have a strong value for family.  One Korean exchange student honestly could not understand why Americans moved out of their parent's house before getting married, "Do they not get along?" she asked.  And so, when I meet a single Korean-American woman, I could make expectations based upon assumption that she still lives with her family: "So, do you still live with your family?"  That would be to stereotype.  To be culturally sensitive, I could operate with an allowance that she may or may not have be influenced by a strong value for family.  I may not ask her to cancel a trip to see her family in order to come to our spiritual retreat until I have determined whether she holds to this common Korean value.  I would make many observations and might ask questions like: "How is your family?" or "Who do you live with?"  To acknowledge these differences, which are often drawn across racial lines, is not racism, but instead helps us to love one another more effectively.

This is my first observation about the resistance that I feel when discussing ethnicity and culture.  I avoid acknowledging that there can be different types of people, and different ways of living that are equally good.  I think this way in part because I grew up in a culture that has a high value for fairness and equality.  When my mom bought a package of fudgesicles, we knew, without saying a word, that we must save one fudgesicle for each person in the family.  I (and many people from my culture) apply this value for fairness to the race conversation in two ways:

1) In order for each person the be treated fairly, I think of all people as equals.  In some cases, I mistakenly advance this "equality" doctrine by promoting "same-ness." This is where color-blindness comes from.  To purposefully overlook a person's culture, financial status, etc, is to love them fairly.
2) I defend that my country's laws, institutions, and businesses are built upon the idea of "fairness and equality."  Since this is the case, it must be impossible for racism to exist significantly in these structures.

Our high value for fairness serves us well.  It prevents us from showing favoritism, encourages us to "defend the rights of the needy and oppressed" and preach the good news to "all nations."  But the value for fairness becomes a problem when I refuse to acknowledge the different contexts and cultures of other groups of people.  In 1995, the Median Net Worth (wealth minus debts) of the average black family in the US was $3,700, while that of the average white family was $43,800.  Never mind the why for this difference.  When I am unwilling to acknowledge that there remains a clear gap in economic well-being drawn along racial lines, I am allowing my value for fairness to establish a "sameness" mindset and to hinder my ability to love appropriately.  When someone tells me that our nation's laws and institutions are not equally serving to all races, I resist because I have always believed that my fellow citizens value fairness as much as me. 

I resist conversation about ethnicity and culture, in part, because it hurts to admit that "same-ness" is not accurate.  And it hurts to acknowledge that my country, my friends, and I myself may not be as fair as I would like to admit.



Overflow
There were many more things that I wanted to discuss today, but this post is so long already!  Some time in the future I hope to touch base on:

• Patriotism and the acknowledgement of faults in heroes I identify with
• The transposing of Accountable Freewill Individualism from Christianity onto our society
• Our value for rejecting the impact structures make our well-being (Anti-Structuralism)
• How our value for Faith and Belief can make us resistant to new ideas

Why I hate talking about ethnicity and culture - Part 1

If you've spent very much time around me in the last few years, you might have noticed that I like to talk about race, ethnicity, and culture.  "Wait a minute," you might say, "you're title says you hate it."  I know!  I love it and I hate it.

It's pretty easy for me to see why I love talking about ethnicity and culture.  But understanding why I have such a deep gut resistance to some new ideas about ethnicity is a very interesting puzzle.  And the answer has a deep impact on how I show the love of Jesus in the cross-cultural setting of the campus here in Bakersfield.

I love talking about ethnicity and culture.  Understanding the value systems and traditions shared by different cultures within our world helps me to enjoy my diverse friendships more deeply.  I get to explore who my friends are, why they do things differently from me, how I can love them in ways they will appreciate, and how I can "broaden my interests" to enjoy things that I would have never been exposed too.  It's like solving a puzzle, opening a present from God, trying a new food, and reading a good story all wrapped into one.

I'll tell you one story as an example.  A little ways back, I tried to offer an orange to my friend "Abe", who is originally from a country in West Africa.
"Here, Abe, would you like this Orange?"  I asked. "I have plenty of other fruit in my lunch bag, I have more."
"Why do you have to explain that you have extra fruit?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
"Why do you have to explain that the orange is out of your surplus, and that you won't really be making any sacrifice to give it to me?  Why can't you just give me the fruit because you want me to have it?"
I was confused.  Obviously I had explained my extra fruit because I didn't want him to feel bad for taking the orange from me.  But as we talked, I realized that the dissonance was coming from a cultural difference.  Abe was from a culture where sacrificial gifts were given and received with joy.  In his culture, the sacrificial nature of the gift should not be hidden but celebrated.  It shows that a person considers another person as family--with resources shared freely (in fact I doubt Abe would use the word sacrifice--he might describe it more like passing off resources to another part of yourself).  When I told him that I had extra fruit, what he heard was "I wouldn't offer this to you if I really valued it myself.  I don't love you that much."
In my culture, which I refer to as "German-English-American Midwest Farmer," we have a value for self-sufficiency, and individualization.  In my culture, to receive a sacrificial gift is to surrender a little of my dignity by appearing burdensome or less self-sufficient.  By telling Abe that I had extra fruit, I was actually attempting to protect his dignity by assuring him that he could accept it without becoming a burden on me.  And if I am totally honest, even though I had more fruit, I would have enjoyed eating the orange too.  But even so I decided to highlight my abundance out of the strong desire to protect his self-sufficiency.
Although I was attempting to show love to Abe, he received it as an insult.  Now that I know this difference, I am able to offer gifts in a way that can be recognized as loving.  This is what I love about talking about ethnicity and culture.  Not only can I love Abe more effectively, but I also have begun to embrace his culture of “enjoying sacrifice.”  His culture is not better than mine, but in some contexts I actually do think his giving style communicates love in a different and better way.  Now I can enjoy both.  This is what makes learning about culture, ethnicity, and race fun. 

I think I’d better save the “I hate” part for next time, but are there any thoughts so far?