Specifically, I've asked myself: "How can I honor both God's prescriptions and our cultural expectations of gender roles?"
After some study, I've concocted a list of expectations for men and women that can currently be found our society. These aren't my thoughts, they are simply generally held expectations that exist in many pockets of mainstream US culture. As Christians, we must ask ourselves: "Which of these expectations are consistent with Kingdom Culture, and which should be 'taken captive'?" "Is this prescribed by God, and if not, should I expect it of my family?" I don't fully know how to answer that, but I do have responses to a few of these, which I've also shared in bold.
- Men should initiate, plan activities, and generally have more power in the relationship.
- Women should facilitate conversation in romantic relationships.
- Women should generally defer to men, but control sexual activity.
- Men should excel in status and earning money.
- Women should excel in raising the family and caring for the home.
- Gender preferences for autonomy and connection: Generally men prefer autonomy and side-by side activity, while women prefer connection and talking about the relationship face to face.
- Women talk more than men (the stereotype says), and they should talk less. *Some studies show that men talk more during co-ed conversations. I will interject to provide the opportunity for women to speak.
- Women have more responsibility for monitoring the relationship and starting conflict resolution. Things don’t have to be broken for them to “talk about the relationship.” *I will be proactive to care for our relationship and seek tune-ups through conversation and periodic counseling.
- Power dynamics: division of labor. In dual worker families with children, women spend on average 17 more hours a week on homemaking than men. *I will divide chores with my wife to serve, empower, and free her up to impact the world in ways that I cannot.
- Women should assume the responsibility to remember, plan, and make sure things get done. (doctor apts, bills, etc) Even if the men are responsible to do them.
- Women are delicate and sensitive and require more care and protection when sustaining injury. Men are told “You’re ok, just get up & move on.” “Never hit a girl” *I will fight to protect my daughters and sisters not because they are weak, but because they are beautiful and lovely and valuable to me. Simultaneously I will affirm their independent strength and toughness.
- Men are given (more?) personal space at home: Dad’s TV chair, Dad’s den, Dad’s work shed. Mom’s spot may be the kitchen or garden. There are times where mom’s places can be life giving, creative, or relaxing, but often mom’s places are filled with working & serving other’s needs. (Is the whole house the mother’s? Or is she just responsible to upkeep it for others?) *I will prioritize a space for my wife to be creative and relax before creating one for myself.
- Women should direct the decoration of the house. *Heck no, I want in on that! :)
Just observing these somewhat obvious stereotypes really expands my perspective on what aught to be in our families and society.
If you're interested, I recommend this video series from a high level Biola class on "Gender Communication." On matters concerning family headship and church leadership, it provides a decent representation of both complementarian (men should lead) and egalitarian (either can lead) perspectives. You can also download the mp3s to listen while you drive.
